Ten Years

Unbelievably, ridiculously, it has been ten years since my mum died. It’s a nonsense really. It can’t possibly be ten years.  And yet, Lucas is very nearly ten. So that all adds up then.

I dreamt about her a few nights ago. And yes I know that other people’s dreams are boring but bear with me.  We were in an airport, and I was putting her on a plane. This was never the actual way of it, it was always always her taking me to the airport. My whole life she’d been waving me off.  But in the dream, I was waving her off.

But as she was about to go, suddenly I realised that she wouldn’t be coming back and I panicked and tried to get her to stay. But she didn’t. And I woke up with the panic.

The absolute fucking icing on the cake is that if she hadn’t died she’d STILL only be 62.

Her number is still in my phone, I still think it’s her when the phone rings. And I am miserable on my birthday because she doesn’t call.

Five years ago, Emily wrote that she was missed ‘because it’s been five years and it still feels like a punch in the gut’. Now another five years on, it’s not any different.

She’s still gone.

But last night we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. ‘Ooh Child’ by The Five Stairsteps features. I listened to that song every day after mum got sick until Lucas was born. Since then, I have never heard it in a movie or on tv, or on the radio. And there it was, on the night before her ten year anniversary.

It’s things like this that keep her with me always.



26/08/2014. Uncategorized.

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